guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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