is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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