Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
