you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
