While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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