My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
