My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
