Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
