I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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