my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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