Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
