Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
