I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
