so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
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I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
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Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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