I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
we made out on top of his cat.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
