how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
