At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
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You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
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you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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