we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
