Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
