I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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