we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
