the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
They took my balls.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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