who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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