non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
We need to get me chipped asap
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
