You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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