i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes