it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment