I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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