vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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