I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
