I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
