I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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