thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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