you didnt know i had herpes?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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