when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
