You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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