How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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