Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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