so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
