i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
