i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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