I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
