You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
