she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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