Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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