Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
