I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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