There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
