Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
