Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
