I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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