Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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