just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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