we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
