margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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