Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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