I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
