you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
