Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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