if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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