Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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