I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Randomize
