Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
