Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
