You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
