I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
